①On a recent trip to Berlin, Paris Hilton told reporters she’s looking for a nice boy who is funny, smart and loyal. Coincidentally, those are the three qualities of men who don’t own video cameras.
②The New York Philharmonic announced it will perform “The Star-Spangled Banner,” Gershwin’s “An American in Paris” and other American standards at a concert in North Korea next year. President Kim Jong Il says he’ll attend provided the orchestra plays his favorite American song, “Still Crazy After All These Years.”
③President Bush on Wednesday signed a law approving a five-year renewal of the Head Start preschool program for poor children, but vetoed one to expand government-provided health insurance for kids. This is the same guy who got notes from his parents excusing him for being sick all the way from pre-school to National Guard duty.
④Crash star Terrence Howard has been picked to head up an all-African-American Broadway production of Tennessee Williams’ Pulitzer Prize-winning play “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof” in March 2008. That gives Don Imus three months to practice not saying Cat On A ‘Ho’ Tin Roof.
⑤“Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek suffered a mild heart attack. His doctor informed him in a way he would understand. “What is, ‘You eat too many foods high in cholesterol’?”⑥Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was sentenced this week to 23 months in federal prison, a sentence that could be reduced six months for good behavior and another six months for a win against the Guards.
⑦Barry Bonds had a hard time finding a new attorney because he insisted on a deep discount on his legal fees. Forget 763 home runs. Barry Bonds has now done the impossible- he’s made America feel sorry for lawyers.
⑧Bonds reportedly told the lawyers “I don’t care if I made 18 million last year; I am not paying 25 cents a page for copies.”