[中文]父爱的尺度(节选)
1924年,美国总统卡尔文·柯立芝建议把父亲节作为一个全国性的节日,以便“在父亲和子女间建立更亲密的关系,并且使父亲铭记自己应尽的全部责任”。1972年,尼克松总统正式签署了建立父亲节的议案。后来,这一节目逐渐流传到世界各地。如今,历来重视亲子关系、强调父亲教养责任的中国城市人群,也潜移默化地接受了这个“洋节”。
以独生子女为养育对象的中国式核心家庭类似无限责任公司,父母对子女的前途命运负无限责任。“子不教,父之过”,子女的贤愚、得失、功过牵连其父。父亲不但要负经济、道德等方面的连带责任,而且要被社会和家庭全方位地追究“领导责任”。对独生子女教育成功的收益不可预期,但教育失败的机会成本却是百分之百。因此,父亲是儿女的标杆——尺度,这个“尺度”的分寸很难把握。
父亲雅称“家严”,中国传统文化、礼教、风俗已经对父爱角色作了准确、详尽、合理的定位。“父道尊,母道亲”。父亲必须保持应有的尊严,必须自尊,才能获得家庭的尊重,然后才能保持并实施家庭教育第一责任人的尊严。“君不正,臣投外国,父不正,子奔他乡”。就是说,父亲必须以身作则,否则,无法团结教育子女,履行父亲的管教责任,甚至可能导致父子反目、离心离德。严父慈母是父母亲分别担当的固有角色,严格、严厉、严肃是父亲的应有风格。但有的父亲把一个“严”字衍化为棍棒教育、打骂教育。我从禅宗教育中得到一些启示,“棒喝”的宗旨是刺激、提醒、指点、点化,目的是开悟增慧,而不是压服,更不是展示家长威风。所以,一个称职的父亲重在见识高低,不在脾气大小,不要高人一等,关键是要高人一筹,做孩子的启蒙老师,做孩子的精神向导。
父母无不望子成龙、成凤,并为此不惜一切代价。的确,许多子女受家庭影响,子承父业、光前裕后,成为父母一样的人或父母期望的人,而也有相当多的子女没有实现父母的梦想,没有达到父母的期望值,甚至走向父母愿望的反面。俗话说:“老子英雄儿好汉,老子卖葱儿卖蒜”;“兵家儿早识刀枪”。但俗话也说:“父母难保子孙贤”。说到底,家庭教育也有一个因材施教的问题,给孩子以选择发展道路的自由,让他们根据自己的兴趣爱好特长做好他自己。人各有志,不必强求,对子女也是如此。
西方教育理念强调亲情、呵护、鼓励。中国传统教育理念是“严”在其表,爱在其里。中国式“家严”是父子互动的一种外在动作,慈爱是核心,爱护是目的。俗话说:“父不慈,子不孝”。父亲不慈爱,不负责任,所以孩子不出色、不优秀,也不孝敬、依恋父亲。但是,“父母爱如虎,爱谁谁受苦”,对孩子无原则的表扬、鼓励,过度的溺爱、放纵,有可能培养一个无知无能、无所事事、愚钝麻木、胸无大志的庸子,也有可能培养一个目中无人、狂妄自大、无法无天的逆子。所以,严与慈的尺度很难把握,过严压抑个性,过慈助长恶习。
“可怜天下父母心”。做一个合格的父亲岂止是一门学问,实在是一场严峻的考验,是一场漫长的高难度综合考试。
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[外文]The Yardstick of Father’s Love
In 1924, the then President Calvin Coolidge proposed to make Father’s Day a national event in order to “establish more intimate relations between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations.” After this bill was officially signed by President Nixon in 1972, this festival was gradually spreading to other parts of the world. Nowadays, it has been accepted by the Chinese citizens, who have always valued the relationship between parents and children, and emphasized father’s responsibility of upbringing and instructing kids.
The typical Chinese nuclear family that breeds a single child is similar to an unlimited responsibility company in that the parents are infinitely responsible for the future and fate of their kids. “It’s the father’s fault if the son is not well instructed”, this saying indicates that fathers are implicated in children’s uprightness and foolishness, success and failure, merits and demerits. Not only liable for children’s finances and morality, fathers are also open to the thorough investigation of the family and society for his leadership. Unpredictable is the profit of a successful education, but once the education fails, the cost is absolutely in vain. Therefore, it’s necessary for fathers---the model and yardstick of their children---to keep a sense of proportion, although it is very hard for him.
In China, the father’s elegant name is “Jiayan”, indicating that he is the strict parent. In this way, the traditional Chinese culture, custom and the Confucian ethical code have given “father” a precise, thorough and reasonable definition. “Father’s principle should be dignity, mother’s intimacy.” Fathers have to maintain their due dignity and self-respect, then they may gain the respect from family members, and last, they could maintain and practice the honor of shouldering the major responsibility of domestic education. “If a king is not upright, his subjects would leave him to serve other countries; if a father is not upright, his son would leave him to live elsewhere.” In other words, the father’s failure insetting a good example to his children will nullify his efforts in uniting and instructing them; even will tear their relationship through dissension and discord. In a family, the “strict father” and the “affectionate mother” are the fixed rules for parents respectively, which means, the proper style of a father should be strict, stern and serious. Yet there are fathers who confuse “being strict” with spank and scolding. According to the inspiration I gained from Zen, a Japanese form of Buddhism, the “Buddhist Bang and Bawl” is a means of stimulating, remanding, instructing and enlightening, its ultimate goal to be intelligence-enhance, but not coercing children to submit, or even to affect the pose of a patriarchy. That means, to be a competent father, it’s the knowledge that matters, but not the temper; he should not be a cut above the children but be more brilliant as to enlighten and guide them in their spiritual life. Scarcely any parents are not long to see their sons and daughters become successful and outstanding like the dragon and phoenix in Chinese mythology, for which they are prepared to pay any price. Indeed, many children influenced by their families carry on the parents’ undertakings; they live to the parents’ expectation, and eventually bring honor to their ancestors and prosperity to their descendants. However there are also quite a number of children who fail to realize parents’ intention, or even turn into their opposite. As the Chinese saying goes, “a brave father’s son is heroic; an onion monger father’s son venders garlic”, “offspring in a soldiers’ family learn to use sward and spear at an early age.” still there are other proverbs that go like this “parents can’t guarantee a wise and able child” Fundamentally, family education should assemble the Confucian teaching method of instructing students according to their aptitude; children should be free to choose their own developing path according to their interests and merits. Everybody’s gotten their own inspirits, so people should not impose their will on the others, as well as on the offspring. The western education theory believes in care, encourage and consanguineous affection, while in Chinese tradition, we believe the family education should combine the internal love with external “strictness”. That means to discipline children is only an external interaction of the father and the children, its core the love, its aim bless. As the saying goes, “if the father does not love his children, they won’t have filial sentiments towards him.” If the father be irresponsible, the kids won’t become outstanding; if he be unaffectionate, they not are filial to him. However, “the affection of parents is like a tiger: whoever gains it will suffer.” The unprincipled praise, undue indulgent may nourish children either mediocre or unfilial, the former ignorant, incompetent, idle, insensitive, slow and empty headed, the latter supercilious, presumptuous, lawless and ungovernable. It’s hard for fathers to attain a sense of propriety between strictness and affection: excessive strictness depress children’s individual personality, and excessive affection encourage evil habits.
“Admirable are all parents’ caring hearts.” Fathers not only need to learn “how to be qualified” as a branch of knowledge, but also have to stand a comprehensive test that is challenging and ever-lasting.
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